Anxiety ridden

Ive been beating myself up over the last few months. I’m such a mental mess. Its hard being conscious of such a thing, yet so helpless. Everyday is a haze. Somedays are better than others. I forget words when speaking. I forget what I’m doing or have to do. I don’t remember bits and pieces of days, weeks, or months. Not to mention that physically I cannot do things. I can’t breathe all that well and my left side doesn’t allow me to lift much. Its just gross. Understandably, this would make anyone furious about life. I’ve made it 8 years like this, but 15 cancer ridden. Its been worse mentally, but its at the point of taking a toll on me. Cancer and chemobrain has literally destroyed my life and continues to do so. I had a great job, life situation and means. Ive built myself up so many times now that I just plateau low so it doesn’t hurt much. No doubt I’ll carry on being the same person though, BUT just understand that right now I am burnt out. Burnt out, broken and bottomed out. Every 3 weeks when I see my cancer psychologist these are the things we talk about. Consciously knowing that the cancer will grow again soon is a huge strain. As bad as it sounds, I had a purpose and nothing to wait on or worry. Survival was my only goal. An everyday fear I have swirling around in my head until that drops on me. All I know is survival at any cost. The stress and pain right now just has me tired and extremely unhappy. My refusal of medications probably doesnt help. I’d rather feel alive than be a zombie to the World. Don’t take my high and low mood swings personal. I can’t control them. Don’t be disappointed if I don’t hang out or talk much. Its how I cope and avoid issues. Its hard to understand and present to others. There is no one I know that has the same experience Ive had. Most chemobrain isnt reported, nor is it as severe as mine has been. Honestly, I just want to be happy again. I couldn’t even tell you when that was. Hard to know considering how long I’ve been fried. Just know I’m going to continue to be as much of myself as I can. I’ll bounce back. I always do. Chemobrain or not. Im gonna put work in. Just stick with me.

Thanks,

Justin