Life 02/22/2015

Well Yesterday was my birthday and it also means I’ve spent the last month and a half trying to right old wrongs and get a sense of clarity. It has been going quite well. I will say that I do not feel any better about things. It is weird. I figured I would have a little bit of relief. Consciously, I have been trying to just say, “Fuck it” but I haven’t been able to let it go. I’m glad I see my shrink this week. The amount of of doctors appointments I have this week are pretty much back on par with when I was on chemotherapy. Rehabs for my muscle strength and acid build ups, shrink and oncologist. My oncologist should be a good one. I’ve been going crazy thinking about it. I had a CT scan done last week and I’m just waiting for the results.

Anyways. Its always a weird feeling knowing that you are getting older. 10 years ago I lived in Nashville, TN. It was a get back on my feet move. After a fight with cancer a few years earlier and going totally broke. 5 Years ago I was trying to bounce back right after chemotherapy and surgery. I had a major case of chemobrain so I do not remember much of anything at all from that time period. Now I basically have a handful of friends that I consider close, an ex who will never shoot me straight about anything, a brother who is extremely selfish and people I consider more passersby. Maybe I’m more irritated and irrational. Yes, we all grow up and move on in life. Kids, husbands, wives and jobs. I get it. Yes, I’m single. Its not fair for me to bring another person into my life and then possibly just die on them. Thats not right. I’m single for a reason. It is very depressing and lonely. This is the what happens when your life can only sit still in time while everyone you know moves along. I’m so sick of people I know acting like I have all of this free time or non pertinent shit to do all day because I am single or didn’t fuck up and have kids. My job is staying alive and trying to fix what my body cannot seem to do on its own. I cannot drop things on a dime. I have to plan months in advance. While I’m at it my friends really are self centered assholes the more I think of it. I have friends that haven’t even crossed the border to see me at my houses/apartments despite not having lived in Minnesota or Eau Claire for 7 years or more. Why am I the one that always has to travel or make the plans? That is total bullshit. A couple of months ago I stopped texting or calling everyone unless they get a hold of me first or are extremely close to me. It’s amazing how much I have to do to keep friendships afloat. Maybe a dozen people have even texted me without me instigating it. So yeah I’m having a lot of self realization and finding out who gives more of a shit than others. You would think that with my health concerns people would be a little more open and thought conscious.

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Update 02/04/2015

Not a whole lot is happening at this moment I am still on a chemo holiday. Tomorrow I go to my rehab appointment to work on the muscles in my back and shoulders. Since I have no chest wall the extra acids build up in other places. Its been pretty painful. Overall though I’m feeling pretty damn good. I get the aches and pain but I still get the massive sternum pains. Next month I will have another CT scan. If nothing has changed then another 3 months of no chemotherapy. If only one or two of the trouble tumors has grown then we will either do nothing for another 3 months or possibly radiation or back on chemotherapy. We shall see.