So here I sit wide awake. I’ve been reeling from my consecutive nights with massive insomnia. I just cant fall asleep anymore. My anxiety has started to creep up a bit lately just knowing that I had scheduled a check up CT at Mercy hospital. It isn’t until the first week of December but I haven’t exactly been the pinnacle of healthy eating or drinking as of late. So I’m just nervous about everything. Blocking out a lot of the terrible things that run through my mind was quite easy for a while there, but now not so much knowing it has been a while since I’ve had chemotherapy. The standard thoughts of “Is it growing?” ” Fuck I hurt” ” I want this pain to go away” “Why do I have to deal with this shit?” have now evolved because of life conversations with people I know have turned into more adult thoughts and issues such as…. “I don’t date because that isn’t fair to the other person involved” “Sometime I wish I had someone willing to listen and be here with me through my turmoil” “What is my future deterioration going to be like and what do I need to do to prepare?” “I really don’t want my niece and nephew to see me falling apart”. The list goes on. The other that really bugs me is when people tell me I don’t look sick. Yeah I know. Am I lying about that? That doesn’t make me feel any better. Not all cancer patients lose their hair, become super skinny or extremely pale. Sorry to disappoint. Despite the minor good news I am preparing for the proverbial shoe to drop. They seem to go hand in hand. Just another reason I am dreading the upcoming CT scan. Additionally, my cognitive issues are still effecting me. I fully understand they will never go away but it is just so frustrating. Constantly, I am forgetting dates and times for appointments. Hell, I’m forgetting some conversations and tasks. Its been ugly as of late and I’m trying to hide it from people but its way too hard to do. Also, it is quite embarrassing. Its all about keeping some sort of humility with this utterly sad existence I have at the moment. Its really all one can do to try and stay sane. Finally, I’ve had one new health issue crop up and that is white spots in my vision. It is so annoying.