06/11/14

Well, I am anxiety ridden to the max. You really will never understand unless you are sitting in my shoes. I can’t sleep and am becoming more and more depressed. It’s hard to deal with despite being fully conscious of my health situation. Its just becoming a burden. Weigh in a huge sense of loneliness and a fear of showing weakness and you have me right now. The loneliness has been bothersome for sometime now. It has yet to be determined whether it is a form of guilt of past actions with a certain few people or if people are scared to deal with everything that I am these days. Probably a fine combination of both. I have never given up in a fight with cancer and I don’t intend to now. I do feel my body breaking down. I feel every single little change in action. That is how in tune with my body I am right now. I knew last week that I had blood issues(Neutropenic). I also feel all of the issues with the nerves in my shoulder and collar bone. So much so that I can pinpoint the spots. At this point I don’t know if I’d rather be unknowing or completely intouch. Either way it is a nuisance upon my mind. I have been back on Effexor and my anxiety is blowing right through it. I’m not on a small dose either. In the end I think I’m basically going crazy. Literally, nuts. My memory has also taken a huge hit. I can’t remember anything without writing it down. Even then my hands are not agreeing with me anymore either. Hell, my hands are really swollen for no reason what so ever. I know my posts recently have been nothing but bitching and I regret that in a way. This is also my way to show the things that one sometimes goes through with the cancer and effects. Better to vent on as well.

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Author: itsjuicetime

I came. I saw. I probably created massive amounts of havoc.

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