Well, I am anxiety ridden to the max. You really will never understand unless you are sitting in my shoes. I can’t sleep and am becoming more and more depressed. It’s hard to deal with despite being fully conscious of my health situation. Its just becoming a burden. Weigh in a huge sense of loneliness and a fear of showing weakness and you have me right now. The loneliness has been bothersome for sometime now. It has yet to be determined whether it is a form of guilt of past actions with a certain few people or if people are scared to deal with everything that I am these days. Probably a fine combination of both. I have never given up in a fight with cancer and I don’t intend to now. I do feel my body breaking down. I feel every single little change in action. That is how in tune with my body I am right now. I knew last week that I had blood issues(Neutropenic). I also feel all of the issues with the nerves in my shoulder and collar bone. So much so that I can pinpoint the spots. At this point I don’t know if I’d rather be unknowing or completely intouch. Either way it is a nuisance upon my mind. I have been back on Effexor and my anxiety is blowing right through it. I’m not on a small dose either. In the end I think I’m basically going crazy. Literally, nuts. My memory has also taken a huge hit. I can’t remember anything without writing it down. Even then my hands are not agreeing with me anymore either. Hell, my hands are really swollen for no reason what so ever. I know my posts recently have been nothing but bitching and I regret that in a way. This is also my way to show the things that one sometimes goes through with the cancer and effects. Better to vent on as well.
Well here I sit again at chemotherapy. To find out I am now neutropenic(810). Oh so exciting. That result is forcing me to get a smaller dosage of gemcitabine. I could also be fighting some sort of bacterial infection. It would explain why I have been feeling a bit under the weather this past week. Although, I wrote that off to the chemotherapy. Only time will tell if I am actually sick with some thing.
Neutropenia is an abnormally low level of neutrophils in the blood. Neutrophils are white blood cells (WBCs) produced in the bone marrow that ingest bacteria. Neutropenia is sometimes called agranulocytosis or granulocytopenia because neutrophils make up about 60% of WBCs and have granules inside their cell walls. Neutropenia is a serious disorder because it makes the body vulnerable to bacterial and fungal infections.
The normal level of neutrophils in human blood varies slightly by age and race. Infants have lower counts than older children and adults, and African Americans have lower counts than Caucasians or Asians. The average adult level is 1500 cells/mm3 of blood. Neutrophil counts (in cells/mm3) are interpreted as follows:
greater than 1000. Normal protection against infection
500-1000. Some increased risk of infection
200-500. Great risk of severe infection
lower than 200. Risk of overwhelming infection; requires hospital treatment with antibiotics
Well here I am again kind of nervous but ready to go on another round of chemotherapy. The redundancy is rather annoying but its what I got to do. I have talked to Kozak again and he is going to help me get into Mayo Rochester to see if there is anything new or cutting edge to attempt down the road. He is also taking my case to the tumor board again. The tumor board is where top oncologists around the country sit in and get my case without my name mentioned and discuss which direction they think I should go and what my current plans are. With that said I am contemplating going back to see Keith Skubitz. He is a specialist in the angiosarcoma/sarcoma field at the University of MN – Fairview. He is a real outside the box thinker according to Dr.Kozak. Thats pretty much what I need at the moment.
Other than that My anxiety and depression has come back to really kick my ass so I went back on Effexor last week. I can feel myself evening out a bit. My speech had taken a really bad hit again as well. Forgetting words. Repeating myself. Forgetting things. An inability to follow directions. Hopefully the Effexor helps out again.