So yesterday the folks and I went into Milwaukee. My entire family is pretty much from Milwaukee so they are usually visit trips. We stopped at my grandparents and great grandparents(whom I never met) graves. The cemetery was quite beautiful actually. It was all decked out in flags for the veterans and the common areas had huge massive flags lining the roads. I haven’t been there since my granfathers funeral which has been almost 5 years to the day. I didn’t know what to expect emotion wise considering I’m knocking on deaths door and we’ve had the funeral talks already. I though I would be a mess but I turned out to handle it quite well. I just know that I miss my grandpa everyday. I’m not religious at all. Quite frankly I believe 95% of it is bullshit. Hell history says so.
Anyways, on the health front I am pretty up and down. I started taking my effexor again because I was starting to forget things and become anxiety ridden to the max. The pain in my chest, shoulder and lower back has been out of control for the last week. I just keep taking my prescriptions in the morning and lidocaine patched in the evening. I am getting a TENS machines for the problem areas though. A TENS machine is a small little pack that you put on your belt and it has electrode patches that you place around the areas of pain. Then you set the electrical “shock” to what is tolerant of your body without hurting you. I did it once and it was magnificent. So we will see how things go.
This coming week I am meeting up with Dr.Kozak. He is the one Angiosarcoma specialist that I really like and trust. We are setting up for another tumor board in 2 weeks. That is where top oncologists get together and discuss odd and rare cancer cases. I’ve had 2 so far, but because of my oddity and the fact I am still breathing I’m and interesting case to these guys. I am also wanting to go to Mayo Clinic in Rochester. They are on the cutting edge of a lot of genetic and clinical trial developments so with the severity and oddity that is my battle I’m hoping we take some home run shots. The reason I’m becoming more pushy about it is my belief that the chemo I am on now has stopped working. It very well could be my PTSD fucking with me but one never knows. Hard to sit here and say settle down. These situations are why one goes crazy and why one can lose all hope. Cancer is a vacuum that sucks everything out of you. You have to get up everyday no matter how hard and keep pushing on. Its the main cog that drives me to really start pushing these doctors to the absolute max and start to make shit happen on my own. Thats the one lesson I’ve taken away from the years of doing this. You have to make things happen for yourself. The doctors are always going to stick you with a generic game plan that covers everyone in that particular circumstance.